.5.23.17.
Up late again tonight {can stop obsessing over her breathing}. I am laying in bed listening to her... I've been watching her sleep for an hour and a half.
We had a mini meltdown tonight. First one in weeks. My girl said some things tonight took my breath away, but not in a good way. Tonight she very specifically told me "I wish I could spend the night at my poppa's during the week like I used to" {this, of course, was in the middle of the mini meltdown, all because this meany mama said it was waaayyyyy past bed time and it was time to turn the tv and phones off. To which she replied with, laying in bed yelling/singing "I'm not tired. I'm not tired."}, any whoo OOO's... I couldn't, I just COULD N O T believe my ears. This girl made the most specific request. Not " I miss my dad" or "I wish I could see my poppa more". NOPE. Straight to "...during the week like I used to..." What in the entire fuck of all fucks? So basically at some point over the weekend, she heard and/or had a conversation in which mediation and what his wants are. And now she is using it against me. Oh, and then she called him... and repeated it to him!
W O W.
All of this coming from the girl who basically cried herself to sleep in my arms last night because she never ever wanted to go back to his house. And spent the afternoon talking to her psychologist {who from now on I will refer to as Raquel} about what goes on there and why she doesn't want to stay with him anymore. She recounted everything that went wrong for 5 days. She told me everything... all night.
I had to work soooo hard to recover from my childhood. It took my most of my life. It wasn't until my Gramma passed away a few years ago, that I finally made peace with it all. And even then I still think little bits comes up here and there. And now I am watching Ellie go through the mental mind fucks I went through with my bio dad. It's like watching a really bad movie but you can't turn it off. It's everywhere.. on your tv, your computer, your phone... every time you turn around its there, playing.... right where you left off. And it sucks. There is literally not a damn thing I can do to change it. I have zero control over the immaturity shown to her by others.
Alright. I'm getting sleepy. Finally. Hopefully, I can sleep now. This is the second hardest part of my day... falling asleep and trusting that she will catch herself choking and keep protecting her airway. I will worry the first thing when I open my eyes. I will go and check on her in the morning, all while I hold my breath, praying to God she is alive and ok. I know my "sleep" isn't what it used to be, but its better than nothing.
PS
Yes, my E I G H T year old has a cell phone. Go ahead take a moment to judge me, Judgy Mc Judger. She woke up from a coma 12 days before Christmas, and that was all she wanted from Santa or anyone else for that matter. Still judging.... I sure hope not and if you are, you are either NOT a parent yet or you need to GTFO because seriously I don't know anyone who wouldn't have made the same decision.
We had a mini meltdown tonight. First one in weeks. My girl said some things tonight took my breath away, but not in a good way. Tonight she very specifically told me "I wish I could spend the night at my poppa's during the week like I used to" {this, of course, was in the middle of the mini meltdown, all because this meany mama said it was waaayyyyy past bed time and it was time to turn the tv and phones off. To which she replied with, laying in bed yelling/singing "I'm not tired. I'm not tired."}, any whoo OOO's... I couldn't, I just COULD N O T believe my ears. This girl made the most specific request. Not " I miss my dad" or "I wish I could see my poppa more". NOPE. Straight to "...during the week like I used to..." What in the entire fuck of all fucks? So basically at some point over the weekend, she heard and/or had a conversation in which mediation and what his wants are. And now she is using it against me. Oh, and then she called him... and repeated it to him!
W O W.
All of this coming from the girl who basically cried herself to sleep in my arms last night because she never ever wanted to go back to his house. And spent the afternoon talking to her psychologist {who from now on I will refer to as Raquel} about what goes on there and why she doesn't want to stay with him anymore. She recounted everything that went wrong for 5 days. She told me everything... all night.
I had to work soooo hard to recover from my childhood. It took my most of my life. It wasn't until my Gramma passed away a few years ago, that I finally made peace with it all. And even then I still think little bits comes up here and there. And now I am watching Ellie go through the mental mind fucks I went through with my bio dad. It's like watching a really bad movie but you can't turn it off. It's everywhere.. on your tv, your computer, your phone... every time you turn around its there, playing.... right where you left off. And it sucks. There is literally not a damn thing I can do to change it. I have zero control over the immaturity shown to her by others.
Alright. I'm getting sleepy. Finally. Hopefully, I can sleep now. This is the second hardest part of my day... falling asleep and trusting that she will catch herself choking and keep protecting her airway. I will worry the first thing when I open my eyes. I will go and check on her in the morning, all while I hold my breath, praying to God she is alive and ok. I know my "sleep" isn't what it used to be, but its better than nothing.
PS
Yes, my E I G H T year old has a cell phone. Go ahead take a moment to judge me, Judgy Mc Judger. She woke up from a coma 12 days before Christmas, and that was all she wanted from Santa or anyone else for that matter. Still judging.... I sure hope not and if you are, you are either NOT a parent yet or you need to GTFO because seriously I don't know anyone who wouldn't have made the same decision.
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